I have a demon in me. It’s been there longer than I can remember, actually I don’t remember at all. In some ways I’ve always known but how do you confirm something so horrific? What if it’s not true and my mind made it up?
I’ve made one attempt to talk to him and it didn’t go well. My anger seared out of me like the hottest iron. I never looked at those messages afterwards and I don’t really remember what was said. So is the cycle right? What do I want from him? It was painfully obvious from the beginning I was a liability.
Maybe it’s the confirmation.
Maybe it’s the confirmation from her too, that she chose him over me. That she sat idle as he humiliated me, beat me, kicked me across the room, cracked my skull across wooden stairs, flung me under a car, and finally sent me to the hospital. Oh wait… He wouldn’t let you take me there.
And so we lived… Poor, beaten and worst of all hungry. The walls didn’t even have insulation and the 2 barrel wood stove had to burn really hot to cut through the stinging winters. It wasn’t rare to have 3 feet of snow each winter. The oil lamps we used for light seemed even to help warm me.
Food was always on my mind. Spoonfuls of peanut butter was my “breakfast of choice” somedays. Or the powdered milk we had just picked up from town after having our water tank refilled. That fucking blue plastic tank smelled so bad and made the water ruined to me.
If you’ve ever eaten a wild strawberry on a scorching summer day, then you know how incredible this world is. All of my childhood was spent outside. I would run a lot, climb trees until I reached the very top, explored the neighbors property as if I was a young Indiana jones
The wanderlust. Mom has it, which is kinda obvious since she drug me half way across the states. For me it’s the excitement of the travel and the ability to embrace these over parts of the world. I don’t want to be in the us my whole life. I want to explore, and now that I’m boogy I want to do it right :)
PS that means with you.
I’m trying to figure it out baby. I’m trying to fix it for me, for us. The burden has become so heavy I can hardly move somedays. I’m tired if it and ready to be normal